Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Cernunnos ~ the Horned One
What I about to share is deeply personal but I feel compelled to share with you here because it helps me internalize the issues I need to deal with . I welcome any advise and feedback you may have on the subject. I know many of you have a partner who is disabled and has medical or mental health issues that you have somehow come to terms with, or have found a way to overcome … or at the very least deal with it. I guess you could say I am seeking advice on what kind of things I can do to cope or keep the faith to survive this problem.
Last night I got real upset and angry with the boyfriend and I was so angry that I thought I would never be able to sleep because of how upset I got. I hate it when we argue but sometimes I get so frustrated with the really off the wall things he does(as I perceive it anyway). I know there is mental health illness involved and that sometimes he can't comprehend or even understand that my anger is misplaced care and worry for his health and well being. I tell him so and often! He sees it as an issue of me wanting total control and I see it as an issue of wanting to 'protect him' and the fear of him getting hurt, used or abused. I have been with him now for almost 14 years on and off, but more on then off. He always seems to make the wrong kind of friends, ones who use him, ones who possess criminal mind sets, one that look at what they can get out of people, or how they can con folks. Because he is so desperate for friends or the need to feel a part of something, or a desire of belonging he tends to do things to please folks whose intentions are not good at all (part of the illness). In fact some of his associations in the past have gotten him in legal trouble. Its rather sad really and I feel really bad for him and I despise those folks who hurt him and use him like that, because they don't see the part of him that I do. He is funny, smart, and a good friend. Even though I feel in a position to take care of him he has taken care of me too in the ways he can. Despite the fact there are two “LEOS' under one roof and we argue for argument sake we do love each other and Thomas is a person worth knowing … I just wish he could see that in himself, for if he did, I just know he would start making better choices for himself and I wouldn't feel compelled to micromanage his life! I am not trying to take away his independence as he sees it but he needs my help and he knows it he told me today he was sorry and realizes that he does need my help and he should take my advice more often. But there is that mental health illness that needs immediate attention and we are working on it (he saw a Mental Health Therapist today by the way ~ so one session has shed some light I guess). But I still believe the mental health issues coupled with his medical issues has clouded his judgment a great deal. He is severely depressed and it worries me. Me getting angry with him I am sure does not help the situation at all and I really need to work on that … and I WILL! What you don't know is Thomas use to get a disability check once upon a time and I use to be his payee, person responsible for managing the monies because he really can't folks would visit him on check day and disappear the next and not hang with him until check day. He lost his disability by default and not enough thorough research on the governments part but we think they may be trying to rectify that now after 10 years. Hopefully after his medical assessments we will be able to get him the help he needs. He has major back issues too and I fear its too late to repair the damage he has now is permanent. He needed surgery years ago but did not have the health insurance anymore. Maybe the Gods will bless us with some light at the end of this dark tunnel. I have been the predominant bread winner and the only income earner for years and this can be financially daunting too at times. It has been tight. And much of my stress has been financial … it sucks when you have to worry about things like: will rent get paid this month, should I cancel one of the phones, or cut back on this … and pray the car wont' break down! I believe Thomas' off the wall act was not the only reason I got angry, its expected with the illness. I got angry because he was right I do need to let go a little and not worry so much about him. I need to heed the words 'live and let live' I should not de-mascualte him. If I dislike being the stronger person and always in charge ...why do I do it? He needs to feel more like my equal then I allow him to. Thomas has matured somewhat from his younger years … I have trust issues and rightly so! But its not fair to him to be punished all the time for past events. I need to stop this too! I need to move on. I just need to know how?
I do believe last night I got part of my answer. I got a message last night from an old friend and a Celtic God last night that I have not spoken to in a long time (have switched to a Greek Pantheon) when I finally did fall asleep . When my eyes closed I saw Cernunnos ~ the Horned God stand before me with his stag horned head and his green sculpted body. He held a staff in his hand and pointed to the woodland and the wild life there within. He to me has always represented 'new birth'. It is said that Cernunnos is able to influence the winds and rains that refresh and water the wood and field, valley and hearth, keeping them verdant and life-engendered. He is the Lord of abundance and virility. I think he was telling me not to worry and that things will improve. I guess that was my question before I fell asleep … tell me this will pass and will WE see better times and less hardships? i beleive we will ... I hope e will! Interesting to note as well, is that Summer Solstice is upon us, and in Celtic tradition Cernunnos dies as the Sacred King to bring fertility to the land! I do believe His presence in my dream is rather significant and beyond coincidence. One of his many shape-shifting capabilities of His, is the STAG (deer) who also speak to me as a Totem Animal, which also is shared in the Greek Pantheon by Artemis, another of my patron deities. I see thier representations all the time! However my dream spoke to me in Celtic if that makes any kind of sense and I appreciate its message and hope this is what it meant!
word count = 1248 long #SS blog!