I have a problem with consistency. I think most people do. I get all wound up about something, the newest epiphany, the latest craze, and I start all in. Whether it is about something mundane, (I’m going to make sure to keep up with my organization!) or religious, (I’m going to perform daily devotional day and night everyday!) I start something but somehow, life gets in the way and it seems like I’m never able to truly carry it out, even with the best of intentions. Then I feel guilty, make resolutions and the cycle starts again.
What is it that keeps getting in my way? My crazed schedule. Between a very physically, emotionally and mentally draining job, my situation with Thomas, helping with my family and barely trying to keep afloat financially, I feel that I barely have time to breathe let alone add another demand to my life.
But what in life is truly important? Obviously everything on the list is to some degree, I need a job for income to keep a roof over my head, I need to be there for my family, I need to be there for my Gods, but what comes first? My Gods – and that seems to be the place where my consistency is lacking. I guess because we have to answer immediately for everything else - my boss, my family, my landlord- but do we have to answer to Our Gods in the same way? Are they in front of us, or on the phone, demanding the rent check, or asking for family time? No, they are usually subtle in their demands, never appearing in front of us saying, “You know you’ve been slacking… I’d like some libations, and you better make them GOOD!” but being Pagans, we know when our Gods would like a little attention.
But why is the one thing that I should be consistent in is something I have difficulty with? I think it has to do with the fact that religion is so personal, it is part of the essence of you, and what is the last thing I focus on? Myself. I’m so wrapped up in the demands of other people, and putting them first, that I miss out on a truly deep connection to my Gods because devotional time is essentially “me” time to everybody else in my life. Zoe said in one of her blogs that she was told her patron didn’t know who she was, and I’m feeling that same way. Will they remember me when I call on them? Will they turn away from me?
It’s time to put priorities in order – It’s time to take care of myself, and nurture that which makes me comforted and nourished, which is my time with my Gods.
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